My First Love

For the longest time I believed I’ve never been in love. I have dated a few guys and yeah I said the words “I love you” but did I truly mean it when I said it?

My relationship with men has always been brief like the passing of the sun on a rainy day. In all these times, little did I know that indeed I had experience love- my first love.

I used to think this love would be from my first or second boyfriend. It was neither.

When I’d finally realized how I felt, what I felt, it was too late. The relationship had ended. I was quite young and often made impulsive decisions- I didn’t regret. However, this one I did. I haunted me for the longest of times, I would say it still haunts me.

He was the sweetest soul I’d ever known, God fearing, intelligent, cute, nice, etc. Everything you could ever want in a man. But I let that go.

The years went by with me always thinking about him and what our relationship would have been like if we didn’t breakup. I felt hurt. almost all the time knowing that it was my fault and he’d have moved on with a nicer and prettier lady. The thought of that makes me mad.

I had a chance to be with him again, foolish me didn’t take it and I’m still regretting that.

My feelings have refused to change, sometimes I feel stuck in moments that are not even real- in my imagination. At some point I’ll have to move on, he probably has. And I don’t say that like it is a bad thing to move on.

I am happy to know that he is doing well, and he’ll never have to deal with someone like me again. I hope he forgave me for hurting him, I hope it’s all just a memory to him now. I hope he finds peace in that.

So long my first love.